The Butterfly Effect

I never wanted you to leave. I never knew you’d be gone forever. We share a connection that could only be made by the grace of God, and you disappeared. I am you. How could you so willingly give up a piece of your life? Your creation, your pride, your flesh. My eyes squint the same as yours when I smile, have you noticed?

I only had visuals to remember as a child and the booming, deep Southern drawl I can to hear and the feel the vibration of, to this day. Receiver pressed firmly against my ear. I remember it all. I went without. In your stead, there was a void that could not be replaced. I never knew my significance to the world; I couldn’t hear my own voice. The prominence of a black woman was unknown to me, they seemed as if they were neglected and impossible to heal from the peril of our own might.  Triumph seemed to be such a far-fetched idea; surviving was the priority. Most days were empty, I lived in that void. Have you noticed?

Resentment for a void seemed trivial and foolish. I suppressed the urge of attachment and proximity. How could I accept that? Grabbing at the air reaching for a physical being, screaming into deaf ears. I wouldn’t be felt or be heard. You were so close, but the distance created a disparity between the two worlds. I can hear you now, I can see you. I can reach over and touch you but yet that void has yet to be filled. Do you know you? Do you recognize you? I am always you. See me.

The world had it set up for you to fail. The expectation for your own prosperity was bleak. Failure is a cycle that is continued by the unambitious and oppressed. Somewhere along the windy road, the latter became the former. Not being held accountable for your actions led you to become irresponsible, pertaining to the outcome. You never saw the accolades for your greatest achievement; the proudest moments were only hearsay. Did you notice?

 The world will see me one day. Not as who I am today, but for the void I am left to bear. The late-night talks, the throw of the football, I can live without and never shed a tear. Truth to all, I will still protect you because I am you. All of me. I am your smile, I am your truth, I am your mistakes committed in the confidence of God. The world will see me as the void, my job is to be what you made me. The light to fill the darkest hours, the strength to bear any burden, the voice to be heard. I am still you. I am the you that you were afraid of becoming. I am the you that circumstances left a hollowness. I am the greatest parts of you that the world has yet to see. Have you noticed?